RELATIONSHIP RULES

When we hear the word “relationship” we tend to think of the dating scene or a more serious commitment to a significant other. Relationships come in all shapes and sizes: neighbors, business partners, study buddies, co-workers, players-coaches, automobile drivers who share the street during peak traffic times, professional colleagues, classmates, general associates, employees-managers, life-long mates, and so on and so on. (And this is not even to mention our relationship to money or our relationship to ourselves or anything else like that – let’s save that conversation for another day)

Anytime we connect with another human being, we are half of the whole, where the whole is greater than the sum of the two halves. The quality of presence one person brings affects the chemistry of the pair. We can only ever control our own thoughts, feelings, and actions, and never the other person’s. As such, our responsibility is to control that which we can if we truly care about the quality and chemistry of the relationship. We are insane if we think we can control anyone outside and beyond ourselves.

Do you know people who are contrary for no apparent reason, or who are consistently cynical or just plain old negative? Who doesn’t know some of these people? Hopefully it’s not you LOL. But if it is you, the good news is that personality is not fixed. Personality can be worked on, beautified, and made more pleasing (another topic for another day).

One of the greatest gifts of the aging process is the opportunity to become wiser, and with accumulated wisdom, get better and better over time. To “get better” implies there is some changing that occurs. If we never change, and if we don’t change for the better, that’s an indication that we’re not figuring something out that is vital to growing old gracefully, understanding what it means to thrive and be alive, living in harmony with the rest of the world, experiencing the highest quality of life, and knowing the essential part we play that serves the whole of living existence.

Whether we recognize it or not, we have a responsibility to grow, evolve, and improve. Our responsibility is not only to ourselves and the whole world, our responsibility is to the future of the planet, as our posterity (who are extensions of ourselves – ascendants rather than descendants) will be the ones left to manage a world we pass on to them, whether they’re inheriting a mess or a marvel. Everything affects everything else, and to understand this is to begin to understand the essence of relationship.

The word relationship derives from relate, which, going toward its roots means “to recount, tell.” We are the authors of our lives and every morning we wake to a new day where we have the opportunity to write ourselves (right ourselves) as central characters in stories of triumph, love, adventure, happiness, and success; OR, we can choose to not be the authors of our Life and let someone else write our story for us (and those stories, for some weird reason, never seem to work out in our favor). The question then becomes, “When it’s all said and done, what story do you want to recount and be able to truthfully and proudly tell?” What stories do we want our friends and family (our closest relationships) to remember us by?
 
RELATIONSHIP RULES our existence!
 
Here are some good ideas to consider when intending to cultivate positive relationships…

The Law of CAUSE & EFFECT
You may have heard of karma, or “what goes around comes around.” The idea is that like causes produce like effects. In other words, positive begets positive, and negative begets negative. More practically, positive thoughts lead to positive actions, and positive actions lead to positive results. What’s important to know and understand here is that (ultimately) THOUGHT IS CAUSE. Thought is like a boomerang – whatever you project from your mind will come back to you, and usually with more force. So, guard your thoughts!

More times than not, we tend to think of these concepts in negative terms, but the law is the law and works both ways (negative or positive). Once people know the law, it’s hard to believe they would consciously choose negative results over positive ones.

I love the reframe of “pay it forward” (versus paying someone back). Paying it forward is a great and effective way to get the best returns from Life and without “owing” or being in emotional debt to anyone.

The Law of RETALIATION
Most have probably heard the phrase “an eye for an eye.” Again, that is the negative side of the law. My heart goes out to people who buy in to negative retaliation, because that way of thinking tethers people in a circle of negativity where they get some form of revenge, then whoever they retaliate against seeks revenge for that, and then the cycle of “pay back” perpetuates itself. What a sad way to exist in this lifetime! This points to why forgiveness is so mighty, because it extinguishes the cyclic flame of negativity by no longer participating in the back and forth of mutual demolition. Someone has to be the bigger and more intelligent person – why not you? Instead of getting sucked into that negative and destructive cyclone, give a shot at making the law of retaliation work to your favor.

Start giving genuine compliments to people, especially to those who may ruffle your feathers or to who you may not get along with that well where it might be advantageous to be more cordial. Your compliments have to be genuine, sincere, and heartfelt though – you cannot exercise this law effectively by going through the motions mechanically. When you pay a compliment or show a kind gesture to someone, there is the tendency for that person to try and “one up” you with the same in return (whether kind words, a gift, or some other form of generosity). While it may not work 100% of the time on 100% of the people you try this with, it will work most of the time with the vast majority – PLUS you’ll be building your “pay it forward” credit account (good karma). Another tremendous benefit is that you will feel great about yourself at the end of the day and your reputation will be favorably affected. Not a bad deal I’d say.

Then there’s…

The GOLDEN RULE
If you can, abandon the thought that this rule is cliché in any way – it’s a real principle that people are wise to heed. If you were in another person’s shoes, were born into the world under the same exact circumstances and in the same exact situation, with the same caregivers, teachers, and role models, and had all the same exact experiences, how would you want to be treated as a human being? Asking yourself this question makes the Golden Rule more visceral, palpable, and real. In short, always treat others as you would LIKE to be treated if you were that person, no matter what. This way of thinking and behaving will lead to the kind of results you will be pleased with if happiness is a true desire of yours. Following this rule will ensure you attract others of like mind to you, and inoffensively repel unconsciously negative people.

Oh, and an important note for the guys – The Golden Rule may not work that well in marriage. I’ve found that in this situation, the Titanium Rule often works much better. The Titanium Rule suggests treating others with their preferences in mind.